Burden…

In life we lie to protect others. For years I have been doing that as well. 

I am a person who is depressed. I’ve even been diagnosed with depression. My therapist wanted to put me on pills but I didn’t want to take them. Addiction runs in my family and I didn’t want to fall into that as well. Some days I have good days and bad ones. But the truth is that I bottle it up because I don’t want my family to think they are the problem. They aren’t; if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be here. They are the ones who keep me sane in this dark world. 

There’s a part inside of me that is not wired correctly. I have all of these thoughts of darkness, of dying and what it would be like to leave this place. But then I think about the people around me and how it would affect them. I live my life as best as I can with my sadness, my panic, my anxiety and my deep dark depression that creeps up and threatens to take over. 

I don’t want to burden people who don’t understand the struggle I go through to just want to live everyday. I dont want them to see the sadness that plagues my every thought or how lonely I can feel even if I’m surrounded. This blog is the best outlet that I can find. 

And sometimes in a world so big what else do we have? 

Dream/Reality

Sometimes I dream of you…great dreams. The best. In these dreams where we are together, and we are finally living out our lives together…just like we planned it. The best part is that you’re there for every step and you don’t leave my side. Not even for a moment. 
But maybe that was the mistake…trying to plan it all out. All I’ve had is disappointment, after disappointment.

The worse part of it all is waking up.

My dreams…GOD they can feel so real sometimes that I wake up and wonder where you are. I even reach out for you. But then I remember…you were never here. I still wake up in my fucked up life that I’M NOT taking anywhere.

And then what makes it worse is that I think if you were here what could I even offer you? I don’t have anything that I could really offer you and you deserve the world. You deserve everything in life.

Sometimes I wish that I didn’t love you. Maybe that way it wouldn’t be so painful. Maybe if we would have stayed friends it would have been better without the longing, the lonlieness, and maybe we would be better off without maybe promises to each other that will never be kept. The reality is, I sometimes wish that I never would’ve met you. That way I wouldn’t know what I’m missing out on.

There’s a Light At the End of the Tunnel…

I wonder if that statement is true. 

I was in a relationship with someone for a while. As a matter of fact I can say that it was years. But get this….it was a long distance one. The whole time that we were in that relationship we spent them apart.

DO you think, that maybe you choose this kind of relationship because it was easier to not have the person here?”

My therapist asked me that question once. I remember feeling offended. Who would choose a long distance relationship when they should want the person here with them, to love, to hold and to be with. But as I think about it I wonder if maybe subconsciously I did do that on purpose. 

Having been through what I had been through, the thought of touch, even now is kind of hard for me. Plus I can’t even think about having a boyfriend because to be honest I don’t fix myself at all. I don’t do my hair and it’s a crazy curly mess everyday that I just put it up in a bun. I don’t do my nails, or get a pedicure. I even stopped putting on make-up. Trust me I am not beautiful, but maybe once I was pretty. But now I can honestly say that I did all of that to make sure that I couldn’t and wouldn’t get the attention of anyone ever. I mean who wants a girl that doesn’t make themselves look pretty. Most days I dress with big t-shirts and tights. I might wear a dress now and then but it’s summer I don’t want to die of a heat stroke.

Being in a long distance relationship I think was easier for me because I wasn’t subjected to all of the demands that calls for girlfriends to have. Most days I’m incoherent because I’m so lost in books. I believe I choose to be in this kind of relationship because I didn’t need to see him everyday, or talk to him, and I didn’t even need to go out on dates. 

I know how wrong it sounds. I’m sorry to whoever is in a long distance relationship if this offends you. 

What about the person that was in this with me? Get this he also has his own issues–that I won’t tell because it’s his own life–that he had to move to another country, and then he finally asked me out. I said yes because no lie I loved the way he was with me. The little emails I got of his love for me. The way he respected me enough to care about my day to day life. I’ve never had that before. I’ve always dated jerks. But this guy was like a dream come true because he was everything that I could have wanted, he just wasn’t here to show it to me. 

Maybe you’re wondering now why we aren’t together anymore. After what happened to me I broke it off. I didn’t want to bring him down with my depression. I believe that I did the right thing. But he wanted to still be my friend and be there for me. And he still is, as a friend. 

But you want to know what sucks about long distance relationships…you feel like you missed out on something. I feel like I wasted my time and that he wasted his time as well. The reason I say that is because the person that I am today would never be good enough for a guy like that. He is going places, he is smart, handsome, and the sweetest guy known to man. But me…my god I’m a bitch. I can’t go a day without being the biggest bitch everyday. Sometimes I don’t mean too. It just happens and I try to pull back but I can’t help it. 

I’m 26 years old now. I have two college degrees and guess what I have done with them…. nothing. I haven’t gotten a job. I live at home still mooching off other people and do nothing all day. I’m the perfect definition of a BUM!!!!

Is there a Light At the of a tunnel? I know that I have to make it happen for myself because I am the only one that can do that. But I’m scared of people. I don’t trust easily. And that is why I am the way that I am. I choose to stay home. I choose to live my life this way. But sometimes I want more and I wish that I was stronger to get it. 

Living

My last post was heavy. 

A real downer. 

Which is probably why no one read it hahahahahaha. 

But I wrote it to just get my feelings down and to move on from it. I don’t want to be sad all the time about things that I can’t change anymore. Maybe if I would have thought about things–not done certain things–nothing would have happened the way that it did. It’s just time to get it going. 

Now current thoughts:: birthday! 

I am getting another year older soon. Still looking for a job. But I wish I could sit at home all day and just read. Maybe I could get a job in that. LOL. 

Seriously though. As I get older o realize that it’s time to be a grown-up. Time to just finally be. Maybe even get a boyfriend one day. (Maybe. But not holding my breath). Now as my birthday approaches I just don’t feel the excitement that I used too about the day. Am I really getting to a place where it doesn’t matter if another year passes by? 

I get excited about Beauty and the Beast but let’s be honest that’s a classic. Oh well I guess my priorities have changed.